I try not to inflict the psych-talk on people who aren't related and therefore obliged to still love me despite the neuroses, but I feel the urge to share right now, so. I will.

I've hit another low point. Not nearly as bad as it was freshman year, not at all. But it's the worst I've been since then. The anxiety is back, and with it, the depression. Of course, all of this only feeds into (and is, in turn, fed by) the ocular migraines I've been having, which also trigger my newly diagnosed Sensory Processing Disorder (otherwise known as Sensory Integration Dysfunction). The good news is, I've seen all my doctors, and I've got everything I need--a fresh prescription of klonopin, a hearty dose of Prozac, and a whole army of vitamins and supplements (Vitamin C, Vitamin D, calcium, Omega-3, and Vitamin B-Complex).

Still, the agoraphobia is there. I try to face it down, but it almost won last time. It didn't, but it was a close contest, so it's frightening. But it's going to be okay, because I'm even more determined this time. I did win last time, even if it was by a hair, and the last eighteen months were... wonderful. I have never in my life felt that good. And I'm going to feel that way again.

Plus I've got a whole slew of new tools. One is prompts that my parents can use if I call them in a panic. Another is the weekly therapy, which I wasn't doing before. I also have a few truly amazing friends at school who I know I can always count on--I'm not as alone as I was freshman year. And I've got goals to keep in mind when I feel like I'm too tired to go on. These include:

- Blowing my Honors Thesis out of the water.
- Going to California within the next two years to see Dono and Tiff and 'Rina and Bek. <3 style="text-align: center;">::::::::::

On another note, I've been watching Showtime's U.S. of Tara, and I have to say, I love Toni Collette.

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AND! HOT TIP! In case you didn't know, you can download free tracks from Amazon.com. Not all of them are great, but there are a few pleasant surprises in there. Instructions:

1. Go to Amazon.com.
   
2. Choose 'Digital Downloads' from the sidebar, and in the list that pops up, 'MP3 Downloads.'
3. In the search bar at the top, choose 'MP3 Songs,' and hit 'Go.'
4. Knock yourself out!
   

Official Resolution #1: I will daydream more.

I fell into the habit of thinking I was lonely as a kid because I was usually alone. The thing is, I wasn't lonely. Ever. I had plenty of company in my stories, whether I was thinking them out in my head, or playing them out physically, or even--clumsily--writing them out. My first story was about a girl with no voice who must, nevertheless, save the world from evil. I found my voice while she overcame her own silence.

Through middle school and high school my stories matured, but they were still as vivid and vital as ever, taking over my thoughts. I'm relatively certain they're what kept the anxiety at bay for so long.

I had my iPod on shuffle tonight while working on my Faulkner paper for American Lit, and, right in a row, three of my old favorites came on--the Backstreet Boys, John Mayer, and Snow Patrol. (Yes, I know the latter two are still performing, but these were from old albums.) All three were songs I used to listen to on repeat on my Walkman, working through a scene. I felt fiercely homesick for the simple joy of creating a story for myself.

I need to daydream more. I think it'll be good for me.

Do you want to be a crazy person?

No, Mom, I don't. I don't want to be crazy. I'm fucking sick of my brain betraying me; I'm sick of these psychosomatic ailments. I'm doing everything I can, but it's not going to be a quick fix--it wasn't last time, either. So I need you to cut me a little slack, please.

I am not either particularly strong or particularly stable, but what I am is fucking determined. I'm not going to let it beat me, but it's hard, and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to cry. That's how it works. I'm going to do my best to do it on my own, but sometimes I need a little encouragement. I don't need to be asked right away, Well, do you want to just quit school and come home? Do you want to be a crazy person?

Because, seriously. No one wants to be crazy. Especially not me.